I realize I have not posted anything in a while (I am still resisting using "blog" as a verb, as in, "sorry, I'm blogging right now" or "I shall not blog about Elliot Spitzer"). There is no big news to share. Clinic appointments continue to be uneventful, happily. My blood pressure is a little high, probably because of one of my medications. In general, though, things (blood counts, etc.) look good.
They are still tapering the steroids and I'm still suffering withdrawal symptoms, though I'm sure they are not as bad as they could be. I'm tired and I have a headache and I'm plagued with a mild case of the "fuckits" - I don't feel like doing anything. My life is very circumscribed, so when I don't have energy it can be a bit depressing. It's harder to distract yourself from, well, yourself, when you're exhausted.
I have been in excellent spirits thus far. Now it's been two and a half months, and though I'm not completely stir-crazy yet, I am pretty sick of all the restrictions and the paranoia. The idea that I have a vulnerable, brand-new immune system is just completely abstract to me and yet I'm constantly worried that I will be possessed by some diabolical germ infestation, which can come from anywhere, even from inside my own body. I don't obsess about this all the time, but every decision I make - minute, mundane, and otherwise - is ruled by it. Every cough and hiccup and tummyache can be terrifying, and, to an extent, it's up to me to decide whether it warrants concern. I have had a cough for the past several days, and I asked the PA in the clinic very specifically what symptoms I should be on the lookout for. What developments, SPECIFICALLY, should trigger a phone call? I don't want to call them and have them shrug and say "I dunno". It's as if I'm calling a mechanic to ask for help baking a cake.
Hyper-vigilance combined with lots and lots of free time...it's an interesting life, to say the least.
And so, I am a little down, a little unmotivated, a little bit sick of it all. Some of it is chemical; all of it is par for the course at this point. I'll feel better once I get my energy back, I suspect. Maybe it will be today.
Hope everyone is well....stay in touch.
3 comments:
I wish you had the energy to celebrate your birthday in a way that you could do whatever you wanted. So "happy birthday" sounds a little silly to say, but at least you made another birthday and hopefully, you'll keep making another and another.
So, I'll just say Birthday! And you can add whatever adjective you want there. Behind this Birthday! are a whole lot of people that I know who love you and are happy you made to another birthday.
Birthday!
Leah,
Even when I am recovering from a silly little head cold and my energy is low, it's a sucky feeling. I cannot imagine how YOU must be feeling; but I know it must totally suck! You're amazing. I would be climbing-the-walls (if I had the energy.) Ugh...
Know that I am thinking of you (especially today on your BIRTHDAY!!!)
and looking forward to a time we might hang-out when you're feeling up to it.
Love,
Joseph
HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY!!!!!
I am glad to hear your 'no news.' Did you celebrate your birthday even a little? I hope so. I miss you and am always thinking of you. Take good care and stay strong as you can. I'll call you soon.
LOVE,
me
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